I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wish there were birth control emojis
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
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Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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