I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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