I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
