you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
