I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
