She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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