i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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