Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
handjob tips. give me some.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
