Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
