ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
