Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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