in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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