My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
As shirtless as possible
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
