you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
