Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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