Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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