I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina