so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls