He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
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I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat