the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize