do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize