i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
