rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
