just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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