At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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