Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
