Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
