I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
