maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Randomize
