I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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