Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
