I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just had sex bonerless
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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