Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
