Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
