I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
