Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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