Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
