I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
