can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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