Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
