We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
