Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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