my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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