Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
