He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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