nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
