she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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