Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
