We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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