I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
