Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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