Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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