she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Randomize
