my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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