so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
