Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
