I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
