Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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