Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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