I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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