Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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